Am I Complete?

When I say that having children isn’t a priority for me right now. People will often tell me that I am not “complete” until I have kids.

Let me tell you this: I am complete. I do not need a husband or children to make me a complete human being. I am complete. God created me complete.

My reason for existence isn’t for my husband or for my children. There is only one reason for my existence.

To worship Allah.

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me alone. (Quran 51:56)

Yes, children are a blessing but not everyone will have children. Does that mean those women have incomplete lives than those who have children?

It does not.

People are more than capable of living happily both with and without children. They can also be miserable with or without children. It really depends on how you look at it.

I am happy without children in my life right now. I am happy focusing on my marriage, my career, my health. This notion of being complete once you’re married with children needs to stop.

We should be teaching the youth that they are complete in and of themselves. That they should find themselves before they get married before they have children.

Because getting married or having a child is not a cure for completeness or happiness.

There are many examples of women who lived happy, complete lives; some were married, some were not. Some had children and some did not. The Mothers of the Believers are prime examples of living complete lives even though they didn’t have children.

No-one made them feel as though they were less because they didn’t have children, they weren’t continually told that they NEED to have children. They were celebrated for all that they did and achieved in life.

Maybe we should learn to mind our business and not tell girls and women these toxic messages that to be “complete” they need to get married or have kids. Everyone will have a different path in life and not everyone’s path will include marriage and children.

There are so many reasons as to why women don’t have children some because of a health condition which makes it dangerous or impossible, some out of choice.

Who are we to decide that they need to have children?

Advertisements

Children at the Masjid

I hear people (mainly men) complain about children playing in the masjid and that it is distracting. The kids are being loud and the mothers should just stay at home with them.
I’ve heard announcements on the speaker telling the women, in the other room, to stop the children from playing.
I’ve seen people tell children off for playing at the back of the masjid. They tell them to go home.
But why should they stay at home? They have the right to come to the masjid, just like you.
Maybe you should focus more on your salah and less on the kid whos playing in the other room.
Maybe if you made the masjid more accessible to women and children and provided facilities for the kids to play then they won’t “distract” you in the masjid.
Maybe you should follow the example of the Prophet (saw) who loved that children came to the masjid. His own grandchildren would jump on his back and he would prolong his sujood just to let them play. He would shorten the prayer if he heard a baby cry so that it would be easier for the mothers. He NEVER complained about children being in the masjid.
Maybe you should change how things work in the masjid instead of just preventing women and especially mothers, from coming to the masjid.
And remember that if you don’t build the love for coming to the masjid in your children when they’re young, they will refuse to come when they’re older. Then you will be the one crying that they don’t want to come and pray at the masjid.

What?! No kids yet?

When will you have kids? Questions that every girl is asked once she gets married. It’s as if she isn’t a complete human being until she has gotten married and had children. As if that’s her purpose in life to look after her husband and children. But I know differently because Allah tells us clearly in the Quran what our purpose in life is.

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship me (alone).

Quran (51:56)

Allah has clearly told us that we were created for no other purpose except to worship Him. So then why is it a girl is made to feel incomplete, as if she needs to have children? And even worse she needs to have children as soon as she gets married!

Why do people feel it’s okay to keep asking and implying that the couple should be having kids? I still remember being told that the fact that I said I don’t want children now is me being ungrateful and Allah will punish me for that by never giving me children. At that time I had been married for four months. I am constantly asked why I haven’t had a child yet as I’ve been married for a year. This type of behaviour is totally unacceptable. It is only between the husband and wife to discuss when they would like to start a family and ultimately it is the qadr of Allah, if and when the couple will be given children. These remarks make the couple feel under pressure especially if they do not want to have children straight away. It does nothing except create distances in relationships.

To God belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; He creates what He wills. He gives to whom He wills female (children), and He gives to whom He wills males. Or He makes them (both) males and females, and He renders whom He wills barren. Indeed He is knowing and competent.

Quran (42:49-50)

These ayah clearly state that it is Allah that gives children to whom He wills, He is the only one who can create life. He gives to whoever He wants daughters only (like prophet Lut) or He gives only sons (like prophet Zakariyah) or both (like the prophet (saw)) and others had no children (like prophet Isa). Even the best people to walk the earth could not decide when they would be given children, how many they had and whether they would have daughters or sons. So then how can we dictate to others when and how many children we should have? It is not at all in our control. We can plan but Allah is the best of planners.

There is so much wisdom in when Allah blesses us with children. Some have children straight after marriage and others don’t have children for many years. There is a reason and great wisdom behind each and every decree of Allah. We may think that now is the best time for us to have children but Allah knows that we shouldn’t have children until later in our marriage and vice versa.

There are many amazing women who were blessed with children and there are many amazing women who did not have children. Them having children or not did not stop them from fulfilling their purpose in life, to worship Allah.

The best of these women are the mothers of the believers. The only wife of the prophet (saw) to give him children was Khadijah (ra) none of the other wives had any children with the prophet (saw). He neither complained about this, nor made them feel as though there was something wrong with them and neither do we ever hear about anyone else saying to them that need to have children.

Some women due to medical reasons cannot ever have children of their own and this is such an emotional and stressful thing for them to come to terms with. If on top of this they have to deal with remarks from others saying that they should have had children already or why haven’t they had children yet it can be made even worse for them. We don’t know what situation each couple is going through and we should be considerate about what we say to others. Especially about sensitive matters like this. The couple may desperately want children but are unable to have them so it can be so hurtful to say to them that they have been married for so many years and not had children or that others that got married after them have already had children.

Now I’m not saying that children aren’t a blessing or that we shouldn’t be having children but only that we should be more considerate in how we speak to couples regarding them having children. At the end of the day it’s a private and personal matter between the husband and wife and if they don’t wish to share that information with anyone then that is entirely upto them.

The Biggest Loser

When a husband and wife are constantly bickering with each other, they can never agree on things and they argue all the time, they think its themselves that are losing and they “deserve” to win but ultimately the losers are their children. 

The mum and dad are so busy fighting each other demanding their rights that they don’t give their children the time, care and attention that they deserve. The children are often neglected even though the parents feel that they buy them everything so its enough for the children but it hardly ever is. 

Children need love and quality time with their parents. They need both their parents to spend time with them together. To be happy when the children see them but they often only see them arguing. Children often believe this is what marriage is. Its a person you have to live with but will spend your life arguing with them. We don’t show our children how beautiful marriage is. 

Show them that this person is your biggest supporter and is the one you turn to in times of distress. That its your spouse that is the coolness of our eyes, that we can have fun with them and show them that you appreciate your spouse. Help each other in the home, overlook mistakes and forgive each other.

Yes marriage is hard work and yes you will argue but it shouldn’t be so much that, that’s all our children see right? We need to show our children how beautiful marriage is otherwise they may grow up hating the idea of being “stuck” with someone. Lets learn to resolve our issues in a peaceful manner with our spouses so that our children will not have to suffer the consequences.

And yes, that means leaving your ego out of the problem because that’s one of the main reasons people can’t begin to solve their issues.