When will you have kids? Questions that every girl is asked once she gets married. It’s as if she isn’t a complete human being until she has gotten married and had children. As if that’s her purpose in life to look after her husband and children. But I know differently because Allah tells us clearly in the Quran what our purpose in life is.
And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship me (alone).
Allah has clearly told us that we were created for no other purpose except to worship Him. So then why is it a girl is made to feel incomplete, as if she needs to have children? And even worse she needs to have children as soon as she gets married!
Why do people feel it’s okay to keep asking and implying that the couple should be having kids? I still remember being told that the fact that I said I don’t want children now is me being ungrateful and Allah will punish me for that by never giving me children. At that time I had been married for four months. I am constantly asked why I haven’t had a child yet as I’ve been married for a year. This type of behaviour is totally unacceptable. It is only between the husband and wife to discuss when they would like to start a family and ultimately it is the qadr of Allah, if and when the couple will be given children. These remarks make the couple feel under pressure especially if they do not want to have children straight away. It does nothing except create distances in relationships.
To God belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; He creates what He wills. He gives to whom He wills female (children), and He gives to whom He wills males. Or He makes them (both) males and females, and He renders whom He wills barren. Indeed He is knowing and competent.
These ayah clearly state that it is Allah that gives children to whom He wills, He is the only one who can create life. He gives to whoever He wants daughters only (like prophet Lut) or He gives only sons (like prophet Zakariyah) or both (like the prophet (saw)) and others had no children (like prophet Isa). Even the best people to walk the earth could not decide when they would be given children, how many they had and whether they would have daughters or sons. So then how can we dictate to others when and how many children we should have? It is not at all in our control. We can plan but Allah is the best of planners.
There is so much wisdom in when Allah blesses us with children. Some have children straight after marriage and others don’t have children for many years. There is a reason and great wisdom behind each and every decree of Allah. We may think that now is the best time for us to have children but Allah knows that we shouldn’t have children until later in our marriage and vice versa.
There are many amazing women who were blessed with children and there are many amazing women who did not have children. Them having children or not did not stop them from fulfilling their purpose in life, to worship Allah.
The best of these women are the mothers of the believers. The only wife of the prophet (saw) to give him children was Khadijah (ra) none of the other wives had any children with the prophet (saw). He neither complained about this, nor made them feel as though there was something wrong with them and neither do we ever hear about anyone else saying to them that need to have children.
Some women due to medical reasons cannot ever have children of their own and this is such an emotional and stressful thing for them to come to terms with. If on top of this they have to deal with remarks from others saying that they should have had children already or why haven’t they had children yet it can be made even worse for them. We don’t know what situation each couple is going through and we should be considerate about what we say to others. Especially about sensitive matters like this. The couple may desperately want children but are unable to have them so it can be so hurtful to say to them that they have been married for so many years and not had children or that others that got married after them have already had children.
Now I’m not saying that children aren’t a blessing or that we shouldn’t be having children but only that we should be more considerate in how we speak to couples regarding them having children. At the end of the day it’s a private and personal matter between the husband and wife and if they don’t wish to share that information with anyone then that is entirely upto them.